No, I’m not difficult

It’s happened to me again. It happens all the time. But this time I have really stopped to think about it, and what it means, and why it’s actually really important.

The story this time is that I have just bought an apartment in a residence and wasn’t invited to the annual meeting, where my neighbours agreed to do some expensive work on the property. The first thing I knew of it was when I received my share of the bill. Now I’m not necessarily against the work, but I have some important questions that I hadn’t had the chance to ask, and my vote would have made a difference to the decision had I been at the meeting.

So what’s the first thing that goes through my head? If I stand up for myself here, they’re going to think I’m difficult, they’re not going to like me. The temptation to just let it go to avoid that was huge. But I knew I couldn’t do that (I am me, after all) so I spent an age carefully crafting an email that ever so nicely and carefully makes my points - including, yes, making excuses for them not inviting me because I was new to the residence.

Days go by and nobody replies. I have a few offline chats with some of the residents who were against the work, who supported me behind the scenes but didn’t want to put anything into email (they didn’t want to be seen as … difficult ). Then, after a few days, one of the men from the residence grabbed me (verbally, not phyically, JTC) on my way out and did a bit of mansplaining about why the decision was made. I think he expected this to shut me up, but I told him I had lots of questions that I wanted to discuss with everyone and when he realized that the little woman wasn’t going to be easily quieted, he did that thing men do to women who are difficult and told me the decision was made and it was the end of the discussion.

The next day I finally got a one line response to my email that the decision was taken at the annual meeting. No acknowledgement that I wasn’t invited to it, no interest in my opinion, no response to my questions. I have, of course, requested a proper response and I certainly won’t be paying any bill until I get it.

Why am I telling you all this?

Because this stuff happens all the time and it’s wrong. It’s wrong that women feel that if they challenge things and assert themselves they will be seen and labelled as difficult. It’s wrong that we temper what we say, or don’t say it at all, because of that. It’s wrong that men try to shut us up and then shut us down when we keep challenging (when we come back for a second round then we really become difficult, don’t we?) Because expressing a different view and expecting it to be heard and respected is in no way difficult - it is what men do to and for each other every day.

So no, I’m not difficult. And nor are you. Let’s not be controlled by that word anymore.